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i cannot tell if I am more frustrated with myself or him. I feel sometimes like I don't have any idea who he is. I don't know what he sees in the future for us and he won't share his thoughts. I want to be mean sometimes and just not share anything that is going on with me either. I think that I will just be better if I stay away from the whole thing. So tonite when I got there he opened up facebook and he was on Leni's page. I know that he would trade me for her in a heartbeat if she would look his way and that is fine I guess. I just don't want him to hold on to me just because I am there. He really kind of messed things up with Dave and I am still a little mad about that. He ordered me to not talk with him and when I didn't it hurt Dave's feelings a lot. Now Dave must hate me pretty good becaue he is having to rethink how he is going to handle me coming to see him over there. I bet I don't get an invite and when I do he will have an anxiety attack about the whole thing. This is not my fault I don't feel I did anything wrong. I am very tired of having to treat Dave badly when all he did was care. It is very hard to hurt someone like that. There is no reason we cannot be friends...I don't want anything but friendship from him and I told him that from the beginning. It just feels so weird now. I know that he visualizes himself with other women and I dont' want to be jealous again. I just want space to breathe. I don't like that it is uncomfortable and I am not happy that my life has no real direction. I was lectured by him tonight for me being at the house while Don and the kids are on assistance. I did get good advice by being told to get a hold of CSS and start paying them immediately for child support. He did tell me he missed me like crazy so that was nice to hear. I am just so confused sometimes. I wish he would just say what he thinks. He is so quiet and it is bound to drive me mad. Doesn't sound like Dave is going to forgive me for not talking to him. I guess I just have to wait and see. I really being with him and hope it all works out for the best. When I am bitter I wonder if what the hell I am doing trading my children for him but when honestly sets in I am just trying to remove myself from this unhealthy lifestyle and learn about myself. I am totally into enjoying myself with him like I did a few weeks ago where there is no pressure but it seems like we have to go through lots of stress in order to get there again. Just so much left unanswered and I am so worried about Don hunting him down. I am starting to get confused about my emotions. I really need a breathing space so I can see who I miss the most and go from there. I am just hoping that I don't rot for being selfish. I just really feel like I have lost myself from so many angles and I want me back. Don says that I am how I was when we were first dating and that is kind of confusing. He is so broken right now that I am scared to ask him what he meant. I think it is because I am so cold that I remind him of the me before emotions. I didn't have many that were kind or sympathetic just plain selfish for the most part. I feel so detached from everything right now. I want to feel the passion I felt a couple of weeks ago. I think the stress is finally beating me down. I just need to get settled the situation on the home front and then get to enjoying him and I will be much better. I often wonder if I will get bored or annoyed w/ him like I do with Don. Right now I can hardly stand to look at Don or be around him in anyway other than friendship.
It is very hard to tell someone that you only love them as a friend when they want you to love them more or when they think that they are so in love with you that they will die without you.

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Feeling physically ill at the minute. I am really tired of being two people. The one the world sees who is happy about things and happy for everyone and the one that stays hidden and cries silently. I did fully realize the phrase "you will be surprised at what you can live through" until lately. I don't know if my heart can take much more breaking. Sometimes I would like to tear from my chest and give it to them to finish off. I really need some time and space to think. My love is peace and when the peace is gone or taken away the hole left is too much to cover. I do not think that there is appreciation for the choice that has to be made. Separation from the kids in exchange for time with him that obviously will not last is a scary prospect. If I leave them for him and he leaves me for his then I lose all around. I believe he decided that I am easiest to lose in his situation and I have a hard time choosing to trade them for this short time with him. I asked him if we will grow apart in November? He didn't answer so I believe it means we will. Don't get me wrong, his reasons for leaving are valid. I just find it heart breaking that I didn't even make the top list of reasons to stay. How do you accept that you are not enough? He told me he considered our situation when he decided to move to his friend's place. He knows it would be awkward to have me over to his friend's house and then he also mentioned that he spoke with his friend about having girls over and how if he did have girls over it would affect the friend's kids. I did not see the question as being relevant if he never intended to invite me over due to the awkwardness of the situation. I am so confused and hurt. Am I to understand that we end when he moves and if so, I am inclined to end it sooner and just remember what was. I do not have it in me to continue hoping that I am his to keep when so many factors work against me and when he won't tell me where I stand in the order of things. I wonder if he would be willing to share tonight. Doubtful but I am going to see anyways. If he was willing then I think I had better get it over with.

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And it seems like we are back to square one. Why is it that when I say NO people hear maybe? If they work on me a little that I will relax and say maybe. I am confused as to how to say no in the most effective way. I must give off a signal that says I am not confident in saying no so they push for that maybe. Maybe I should say maybe and then it will mean no. I am torn about the answer to my problem. Is it possible for a person to believe in something so much that the ugly truth is not an option or it is not possible that they can believe the reality? Will they keep clinging on to the false reality because they cannot imagine life any other way? How is it possible to feel and firmly believe you are in love with someone yet you do not see that you are verbally destroying them and any self confidence they have because that person has let the abuse slide for so long? Do you become conditioned to believe that because they say nothing at the time that your behavior is acceptable and is the way it should be for all time? I hope that I am not that way. I sincerely hope that I do not mistreat someone that I love. I do not intend to destroy someone that way. The ultimate question is is it considered abuse or destructive to tell someone that you do not love them in the way that you would love your mate? Is it more destructive to live a lie once you have discovered that you are capable of loving someone in that way yet you continue to stay with the person that you love like a friend or family member? What example are you setting for your children? Does living the lie protect them for the time being? Does it teach them to give that part of themselves to someone else even when they are in an unhappy relationship? What happens to their confidence and beliefs when they find out they grew up believing in a lie? I continue to speak of the family moving forward as a family but in my heart I know it won't move forward with me. I feel this tendency to not kick him when I know that he is already hurting. I asked him if he wanted the band aid removed slowly or quickly? All the pain at once or just a little bit at a time. He spoke with me, telling me that he loves me and cannot live without me. If that is the case, then why did he spend eighteen years tearing me down? I stayed because I never dreamed I would find someone else I wanted to be with and be in love with physically and mentally heart and soul. Now that I have lived a lie with him for so long is it not possible for him to see the truth and believe it? He is afraid of the destruction and I understand that because I am afraid of it too. I am afraid of destroying the children and obviously afraid of destroying him because I cannot just cold-bloodedly walk away without looking back. It is not something that I want to go back to it is just that I would like to bear all of their pain. Does it come down to me making the choice to live in my own pain and cause them no pain for right now? Is divorce easier to handle when the children are grown or is it easier now in the formative years? These questions are not easy to answer as no one follows a cookie cutter pattern. Things and happenings mean differently to each individual. Can we be a group of people who are close to and love each other while going our separate ways. Does the happiness of the group mean more than the happiness of each individual? Doesn't individual happiness and satisfaction contribute to the group happiness? I believe it does. If I am not happy then how can I add to the happiness of the group and not lose interest or lose myself. Is this selfish?

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Well last night I believe sealed the deal. After not coming home until 3 am I think he finally understands. I wish that I could do this without hurting him but it is wrong to expect me to be something I was so long ago. I don't expect it of him so I am hoping he can go on without me. I am scared for the children because they need him so much and I just don't see a way to continue on with him and not destoying him and me. I don't want to live like that any more. I am just wondering if I will regret letting him go. I am not thinking I will miss him in love but that I will regret hurting him because of the children. Kind of a hurtful day for all of us. I am not looking forward to the bitterness that will ensue but I think I will be happier. I am going to seek spiritual guidance on this and hope for the best. I don't want to lose my relationship with God and am hoping there is a way to be happy for everyone.

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There is so much to say and think about this week that I am overwhelmed by it. All the thoughts actually make my stomach churn like I have just eaten food that is tainted and a violent vomiting session looms on my horizon. I watch people walk in their confusion and struggle with their lives while wondering what more there is for them. Is there strength in their belief system? Life choices and happenings shape what and who they have become. Would they trade the experiences in order to be something different? Guilt is a poison that can consume your soul, justification is the soft flesh of a new formed scar like a bandaid as you battle to right the wrong in your mind. Accepting the consequences of our actions is a forgotten standard that has been replaced by I did it but it is someone else's fault and now I need compensated. So many unanswered questions and unguided lives have created a hopeless society that is destined to fall trying to protect the last right they have while casting away every other freedom. It is like taking the grass is greener concept to such an extreme that we lose sight of the beauty in reality before that final patch.

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Karin is German....I win. She is a beautiful lady with an active family. I enjoy the people that come into workout. Amazing variation and certainly fun to sharpen my wits. As I watch the concrete man with his saw shaping the crack in the concrete I admire his fore arms and wonder at his hidden tatoo which teases me just out of sight above the cuff of his sleeve. He carefully shapes the crack in the crete for repair while carelessly not using his protective faceshield. I marvel at the flex of his muscles as the saw moves through the hardened concrete like a knife through butter. I want to quiz him regarding concrete repair but my questions would be unwelcome annoyances so I refrain. In the meantime he blocks the entrance to my gym and creates drive offs as my clientele do not wish to use the alternate route in order to get into the gym to workout. The motivation to walk extra steps is not there so they quietly drive off seeking coffee, doughnuts and mundane conversation elsewhere because sweat is not attractive unless it is easily achieved with enjoyment. I often wonder if smoking pot would balance out the intensity of the electromagnetism felt here. It pulls, realigns, and creates tensions a body is not used to. As I speak with others, I question aloud at what brought them to this stage in their lives. Responses are varied but reactions are similar. Pity mixed with reflection on what could have been if only things were different. So I redirect them and ask them to focus on the good they brought to or out of every situation while I analyze if they were brought into my life to answer a question I had or if I am here to help them or if the relationship is symbiotic. I have found so many that have walked a similar path, one that parallels, and one that completes me on so many levels. I have discovered what was lacking and learned to appreciate a side of me so hidden I suspected it had expired a long time ago. I mourned it as a death and tried to pick up the broken pieces reconstructing them with cheap crazy glue that is more effective for gluing my fingers together. Settling for less out of fear has not been good for me. Understanding that I protect people from things that could hurt them has shown me a side of me that is unhealthy for me. I no longer want the burden of protecting them and sacrificing myself. I want to feel without shame, love without limits, give without thinking of the returns painful or joyful and just live what life brings me.

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First day helping LaVonne out. It is going okay. About ready to step on the bike and ride for about 6 miles. I have a few books that I need to look at while doing so and then there is also some videos to watch for training. Glad it is Friday and am not anxious for the weekend. I have no plans and so it is going to be difficult to get motivated to find something to do. At least we have a little money but not enough to take care of the bills that need paid. Maybe just camping. I was hoping he would have to work on Saturday so I could disappear for the day to visit with my guy. We will see what comes up. Monday will be the best if I don't get to see him before that! I see that he is reluctant to give me information about what he did last night after the movie discussion. I am hoping he found something fun to do for the evening after visiting the girls. I need to get on the machine and ride :)

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the roller coaster.....the train wreck....the all time high....the bottom of the cess pool....elated....deflated....alone and surrounded....bled out....filled up....hated and loved. SCARED and WEAK :) Lots of things to think, feel, explore and decide. The talk with April was upsetting and cleansing at the same time. I suspected that she and I were parallel in many ways I guess I just didn't expect the degree. It is hard when someone can tell you the answer to the choices you are going to make. When they do it and you know they are right and it is true. She asked me if I could stand alone without the support of anyone. I told her I didn't know. And really I don't know. I know that I am happy with him and I do not believe that I am trading one for another. I may have started out that way but it grew so fast into something more. It seems so natural to have him in my life and world that it is an extension of me. No one wants to be a replacement for someone else but he is truly the only person that has gotten a response out of my body that is normal. If it wasn't for my guilt, I would have no trouble leaving with him and never looking back. I am scared I am using a warped justification for feeling so. All of her advice was well given and I agree with everything. I just haven't accepted that I can leave my children and still be a good person. She told me to let go of the ideas that society has forced on me but these are dear beliefs that I hold. I wasn't wanted as a child and that is one of the worst feelings ever. I don't want my kids to think that i feel that way about them. Every argument she threw at me is one I have covered myself. It is just the realities that I am facing that I have a hard time with. I think it will be difficult to get past what others think and what they will think when I am not mom of the year. April believes that if I just make the choice and move forward that I will be able to leave the demons behind. I am not sure I can live with the choice that I am wanting to make. Which comes back to can I stand alone without any support. In honesty, I don't know. I have never had too really. My family is supportive in weird ways but they anxiously wait for me the chosen one to fall or fail so they can feed off of it. When I walk away, it will be from them first and then Don and the kids. I know Don is strong enough to run them off and not let them badly influence the children. Each night I pray we can remain friends as we raise the children separately. I pray for his happiness because he deserves to be. I am scared that I am also using this as an excuse for not leaving, for leaving, for justification. I shut the door on being jealous of him finding someone a long time ago. It was a relief to be rid of that poison, I felt like it was consuming me and it was. The guilt is what is consuming me now. I am dying to know if I can leave my family and still count myself as a good person. Or will I try to spend the rest of my life making up for my failings or what I see as me failing. When one of the children accuses me of everything they have a right to be bitter about, will I be able to handle it or will it crush me. I want their happiness but I am not convinced that staying in a relationship I am not happy with will make them happy.

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Headed into the weekend. Not sure what is planned or even what to plan. I have run out of entertainment ideas. Better get on it before I get yelled at :{ Ape would like a pour your heart out letter from me and I am hesitant to write it. I know it is gonna be painful just to type the yucky details and I am really not looking forward to it. I know we all have to face what we were and the bad decisions we have made but it has never been easy. Then to share all those ugly things with someone else is a bit much sometimes. Not real crazy about it UGH! I hate when I type and it sounds like poor little me. Really I am not bitter about much and I would just like to have a fresh start. Not that I have any really bad issues in my life, just that I am not proud of most of it. Mostly the reason I moved away was to remove the bad factors in my life and have a start over with just my little family. That too has not worked out for me and I am wondering what it is about me that is wrong. I have come to the conclusion that there is not a begin again for me with him and the children. I think I have hurt him enough that he won't ever get over anything that has happened and it is all I can do to attempt to care for him like I am in love with him and he is my soul mate. I never did learn to love deeply properly even with my children. Only recently did I discover that I could love someone deeply and I am stressed that this has happened at such a difficult time in my life. Or maybe I needed the difficult time to bring out this ability. I just really feel strongly that I need to separate myself from my family in order to appreciate them. Or check into the crazy house cause I don't feel far from being certifiable.

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I wonder if it is like that because the opportunity has not presented itself before in his relationships with others or because he is genuinely into me and wants it to be just us. It is confusing because of the fact that I am still married as far as the courts are concerned. I am being unfair by expecting a just us relationship. I guess I didn't trust the insult to be anything but an insult. Maybe he is waiting for the next thing to come along? Our conversation this afternoon was kind of weird and once again I need to think before I tease. I am happy with us and am not looking at being approached by anyone else for a relationship that is anywhere close to fwb or anything other than just friends. I wonder if the opportunity presented itself to him if he would choose to develop a more than friends relationship with one of his friends. Strange that I can reflect on this subject without crying. It is possible that I am stressed beyond emotion and am floating in a daze. I know it would hurt if he did choose something like that and I hope he respects me enough to tell me beforehand if it is like that. He seems to have more confidence but I guess I don't really know that for sure since I don't get to see him interact with many people socially. It was cute when he put his hand on my thigh in front of his roommate. And he was funny when we were hanging with her but that is the only thing I have to go by. I just think he is sweet and mysterious and aggravating and lovable. Being the possessive person that I have always been, I am surprised at how little his group of friends being mostly girls bothers me. I think the difference is that I don't know them or much about him and I guess the history is lacking and too bothersome to really care about. I am not used to that. Most everyone I know, I have known forever and any guy I have dated has pretty much been linked to my tight circle of friends, which was difficult. I am seeming to like this way better, gives a person a fresh start without all the history to wade through and worry about. I enjoy learning about his past and meeting people he knows when he is ready to share them but I like how it is relaxed and separate for now.

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I make myself laugh at how happy I am today. It is fun to be in this type of playful mood. I am sitting here grinning crazily for no apparent reason other than 'cheese'. Strange thoughts floating through my head that I know only I can see the humor in. Nice thing about having multiple personalities is that you can laugh with yourself and there is always another person that gets your sick sense of humor. Jokes! That is the kind of mood I am in though. It started last night with April and her lesbian comments about cookies and cream and it just went crazy from there on. I just went over the texts from last night on my own phone and giggled hysterically. She and I went from laughing to bitch mode in .3 seconds and then back to laughing until we cried. Talking with him even in his 'mood' was also awesome. I am thinking of starting a side post/blog that contains the questions that I ask him that get avoided or that he just won't answer. I am thinking he doesn't know how to answer half the things I ask because I do ask some strange things. Most the time I don't have a motive but I can be a bit much when I decide I want to get offended about something. He is quick to pick up on things that might offend me and is getting good at fielding them or leading into a potential problem response with a compliment and then the answer. It has been cracking me up lately. I am not sure when I decided to make the mental change to 'whatever' but it is a euphoric feeling and I am enjoying it. I am going to have to get serious pretty soon because I feel a big stress coming on and I want to be able to make it through it positively. I know this means that I will have to start facing up to some things that I have been 'avoiding'. But for now....bliss :) Just enjoy the people that come into your life for whatever reason.

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Not sure what to write today. Things seem to be in a nice state where all is smooth. The chaos is what I am choosing to ignore. I have a million things to do and I have only done one thing on my list and I have yet to find ambition. I have agreed to let my special guy read my blog and I am a little nervous about that after reading my previous posts. I did not go back and edit or delete anything because I feel it is important for me to be able to look back on actual thoughts and feelings and reflect on them in order to move forward in a positive manner along with reliving some events that were just mind blowing. Yesterday I felt like I chose to walk a healthier path. I spent most of the weekend in tears due to establishing a separation in my current situation. Sometimes it helps to have a person give you advice on your feelings but it didn't stop it from hurting all the same. I know that I am not mom of the year but it doesn't mean that I don't love my children. To have a friend tell me that I lack on that aspect hurt a lot but in reality I do lack as a parent when compared with everyone else. Just hurt to have it confirmed. I am really trying to make a peaceful arrangement in order to go forward. I am not looking forward to how the kids will be with my proposed arrangement but since I am lacking in that aspect I feel that it won't be a huge loss to them. I almost wonder if I will be a better parent if I view it as a job/routine that I have to do each day/week. It is going to mean a lot of work but maybe I will be better at it when I remove the other as a factor. I really don't see my life as being as difficult once I am out from under his thumb. In reality I know he will continue to be a huge part of my life as we are connected through our children. I sincerely hope that we can be friends and that moving forward we can happily share together in their lives. I honestly wish that he finds a person that completes him and is all that I never could be. He seems happier to have me say things like I am tired of how he treats me and I am not sure how his negativity is impacting the children. I hope that my decisions will help them to be stronger. I am not sure that my situation can be advised well because each person I have talked with has been on the opposite side of the story.

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I think it is funny how we all have that friend that we look at as "ours". You know the one that really is nondescript but that we are so used to having in our lives that when they find a special someone we get possessive all of a sudden? I have been laughing because this seems to be happening to my special guy and his roommate. She has been living with him for awhile after working with him for a few years at the same place. She is cute and funny, but a little strange, and she seems to feel that she is losing him even though they only have a friends relationship. Now that he has introduced us, she has been having awkward moments and not knowing where she fits in or is wondering if maybe she should have tried to have a more than friends relationship with him. She is now making him dinner a lot, or taking him out to dinner, or having him help her cook. It cracks me up because I had the same thing happen to me before with a guy. I started dating him and all the girls in his class became hostile towards me. But none of them showed any interest in him before, only when I came on the scene did they get their 'ownership' on. I remember it baffling him at the time. He always wondered why...if they were so into him...that no one let him know about it. I hope she figures out her personal life soon because it is awkward and I don't like that she feels uncomfortable. Guys seem oblivious to this stuff or they just don't care, but as girls we know that it is not the best feeling when you think maybe you missed out on your chance because someone saw something that maybe you didn't in this person. I have many guy friends and there were a couple that I felt like that about and then there were some that felt that way about me. I do have some regrets with some of those guy friends because I didn't take the extra step to make something happen. Then again I didn't want to lose the close friendship I had with them by dating them and having that awkward break up moment. It was nicer just to stay friends. I think my special guy is seeing some opportunities that maybe he didn't explore before present themselves now that he has me in his life. People are noticing him now or maybe he is just getting enough confidence to explore avenues that he wouldn't have before me. I like building up his self confidence and although it may backfire on me, I hope that I can enjoy the fact that I knew him and appreciate our time together. I feel today that I am growing towards that place where it was just awesome to have the experience.

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Well this is the week of no morning visits. Guess I better suck it up and get used to it cuz eventually I am going to have to get a job. It is funny how I get upset when he chooses other activities over talking to me. I mean I bend over backwards to give him every ounce of time that I have to spare and he is like "meh". He can truly do whatever he wants without thought to others. I guess I am just jealous and today I spent punishing him for it. I ignored the last night text, this mornings text, and I barely was able to force myself to respond to the repeated attempt at my attention with the late morning text. Then I was not very nice. I just am mad cause I cannot see exactly where I fit in his life. I mean I wish to spend most of my time with him but the situation we are in only allows for certain time spent and texts just suck. It is an easy way out for him cuz he can just send them to appease me. I texted you Hi so I am off the hook. He never inquires when he can see me and so I am done with warning him when I am free. For example, the other night I made a dessert and told him I could bring him some later that evening when he was home from hanging with his friend who he went to see at noonish. So from 4:30pm to 9:00 pm I just hung out driving around town figuring that at least by 8 pm he would be back to his house. So at quarter to nine I texted him telling him that he missed my cutoff and that I would just leave the dessert on his porch. Response, Ok sorry I would have liked to see you....I wanted to yell REALLY!!!!!! You didn't give me that impression. It is just frustrating and the longer I go the less I see me being in his life. I just don't fit in schedule wise. He clearly has his life mapped out for now and I was this weird happening that really doesn't fit anywhere. I wonder how long before I get completely fed up. I love him but I cannot see continuing to try for each shred of time. UGH FML!!!!

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So today while driving my fwb to work he mentions how he will probably move in w/ his friend (guy) soon for the summer or the rest of the time he is here. He then tells me the only thing preventing him from doing this is the lease he currently has. If he moves in with his friend it means that I won't see him at all ever. The only time I get to see him is in the mornings before work and I cannot do that if he moves in with his friend because the friend is not supposed to know about us. I am having a hard time with it, I guess that seeing me regularly does not mean much to him. I suspect that he maybe considering getting back together with the mother of his daughters, which I guess is fine because families should not be split. It just hurts because I feel such a connection with him and I have never truly been in love with anyone before. I am sad that he isn't in love with me and that I don't fit into his life. He, I guess, was letting me know that he is selfish and will do what he needs and wants to do in life and that I am only a person that he knows and is willing and capable of letting go of when he needs to. I am trying to remember that we can survive almost anything but that doesnt mean that it does not hurt just as bad. I am not sure I can continue on like this. I feel like I am being destroyed inside. He told me he enjoys seeing me but then he can save money to get his car fixed. I know I shouldn't be offended or even hurt but I cannot help it. I knew he was selfish going into this and I also knew that what he wanted would always come first. I am considering just stepping way back so that I don't get hurt any further and let him figure things out for himself. I have been having anxiety attacks about getting a job because I know it will mean that I won't get to see him. He basically cemented it. I am just scared because he has my heart and he really doesn't want it. I think I will just ask for it back and try to move forward. I know if I get focused on other things that it won't hurt as bad. It is hard to let go of the first thing you love but I have heard that you have to. I just know myself and the saying if "it comes back it is yours", but by the time I shut all of those feelings down I know I wont be able to open them back up. So it will be a waste if it comes back to me because I wont trust in it. I am not the one setting it free, it is setting itself free. Changes the rules a little. I tried telling myself that I could decide to just do what I want and stop humoring people but I know myself and that is not going to work for me. I just want him to love me and it isn't going to happen so I need to get over it and move on. There is something out there waiting for me I guess I have yet to find it. I think I am going to have a talk with him regarding this and just see where we go from here. I have told him that I would take all the time I could have with him but I think that I cannot live with that any more. There are too many outside factors and it is killing me. He will be free of his responsibilities soon and I am not convinced that he is ready to be over his ex and I know that I am not a promising prospect given the amount of children that I have. So I think that he is just distancing me in prep. It isn't his fault that I am so attached to him, I should have known better. I just didn't expect to need him and I die a little each time that I realize that he doesn't need me. I guess we will have a talk out soon. I think I need something concrete right now and I know that I am failing miserably on my end. I have made no progress toward ending my own situation and I am very hesitant to trust in what is between me and him in case he isn't feeling the same depth of emotion that I am. If I were him I would look at my actions and probably react the same way. I am not a safe bet and who would want the damaged goods that I am.

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Really kind of a bad day for me, nothing bad in particular happening just not feeling okay with anything right now. I am struggling to keep it together. I wish I could blame hormones but I think I am just mentally tired of the struggle. I often wonder how I can love others just the way they are, just as they are, even when they are hurting me? Then I wonder how God does it...how can he handle us continually hurting him and still love us? I guess that is why He is who He is. The ultimate achievement is to model ourselves after him and try our best to be better people. Just not easy to choose to love people for how they are and not seek to punish them when they do something that hurts you. It could even be something that isn't necessarily always directed at you, I mean they would do it to anyone without censorship, but it is hard to feel that you are not the target. I am trying to just live with who he is and what makes him him.

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Today Linda had her baby so now I can quit being anxious. A baby girl is so exciting! It was a good day all around. I was so happy to see him this morning, it is amazing how just seeing him is calming and makes me happy :) It was a long weekend without him. I wonder if I will not be as anxious when we are together together, if he will allow it. I am just trying to think that he is simple and not in a mean way. He just exists the best he can and that I shouldn't read too much drama into anything. I hope he likes me as much as I like him. He just makes feel complete and loved. I am scared that me or the children will make him uncomfortable and scare him off for permanent terms. I never know how to deal with things that happen so fast. On a family note, I am really tired of being a kicking board for the people that have bad things happen to them. I often ask why I am the one that has to bear the brunt of all things. I am more than sick of hearing that I fail miserably as a daughter, granddaughter, sister, wife...UGH! I wonder if I can just be me.

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I am hoping that everything is okay with him. I realize that sometimes you want to be left alone but this is kind of extreme. Oh well I guess I will wait. $5 says he might remember to contact me around 10 pm tomorrow night about a ride to work on Tuesday morning....hate being used! But I have to decide if I love him the total package and this is part of who he is or what? I will get there. Today was bittersweet. My trip north w/ the family was amazing...when I wasn't being lectured for saying something dumb or not feeling things aren't important...sheesh! Met a person who has one parent from Terry and the other from Circle...such a small world. The view of Mt. McKinley was awesome even w/ a little bit of cloud cover. The day was amazing. We got a late start but it ended so well :) Jumped in the truck and just drove to look at cabin sites and watch people. Stopped to fish at Nancy Lake...nothing promising, the kids got to swim and then we got poured on. I so want to go back and go canoeing. I must remember to look into the cabin prices and see about staying there for a weekend. We will see. When we got back to town we drove around for a bit and then decided to grab a King Stamp and hit Ship Creek. I was able to take a walk down the walking path while the guys fished. While walking I came to this pond off to the left of the currently raging Ship Creek. I was treated to a show of jumping fish. I was wishing I had some music because the fish jumped at such timed intervals that it looked choreographed. Made me laugh :) Such a peaceful way to spend an evening in the fabulous sunshine! Tomorrow the boys are leaving at 5:30 to hit fishing again...so I have most of the day to kill off. I think I will avoid the cell phone if possible and it will be J.A.W.S :)

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Today had an awesome beginning. I mostly blog frustrations but I must say positive things as well. I cannot describe how incredible his love was this morning. I totally felt wrapped in it. When he held me in bed w/ him all that was touching me was his chest on my back and his arms around my stomach and chest..no blankets...he kept me warm just with that light touch, my whole body felt warm amazing feeling!!! I never imagined that someone could feel that right when they touched me, everywhere they touched me. I am so totally in love and I didn't know that that feeling could be so complete and fulfilling. The fact that feeling matured from obsession to completion is so intoxicating. After being with him this morning, my body has been feeling the aftershock all day. My lips and skin tingle, my mental state is euphoric. I smile, sigh, giggle and just feel totally blissed out! Even going into the three day weekend with the possibility of not seeing him until next Tuesday....I am feeling secure and confident that the weekend will be great. My mood could not get much better! The feeling of him in me was not necessarily physical as much as it was cerebral so intense!!!! The thought of pleasing him gave me intense pleasure and heightened the experience so much that I felt it all over, like magic, like an iv drug, like an electric shock...each part of my body was alive. I can still feel the memory of that feeling. It didn't fade at separation but lingered and has done so all morning...I am excited for the rest of the day...if this incredible feeling lasts in the slightest it is guaranteed to be good.

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Kind of a weird day altogether. Some times I think I understand something only to be blindsided by a different point of view. In some cases this is most welcome, right now I am just confused and hurting. I have to get more confidence and stop second guessing everything. I truly am afraid that if I pull out the I don't care card that it will happen like it normally does. I won't care about any aspect, just get bored and walk away. I wish it wasn't so black and white for me. I seem to remember all the funny little things he has said. I am trying not to read too much into it but what are you supposed to think when you spend the evening with someone, make love, and then just hang out and then their comment the next morning is the best part of last night was people watching. Mind you I did not ask for an input on what the best aspect of the previous evening was. It was just thrown out there. I mean yeah it was fun but really what I am supposed to think? Did I not meet up to some expectation? I guess I just don't understand. But he then ended the morning by calling me a "douche" for making a teasing comment about his phone. Not sure how to feel about that one as well. I really want to ask him many things but don't want to seem psychotic at the same time so mostly I just bite my tongue. His world really kind of scares me. I guess certain aspects of it anyways. Maybe this is karma giving me a dose of my own medicine. Maybe I should take a short break from this one. I would probably get a better perspective. Right now I am just frustrated. I am thinking am here to be used and it is hard to not feel resentful. He shared some information with me that kind of disturbs me. It is a world that I am not used to and I am wondering if I can be giving enough to be tolerable? Meaning can I tolerate it? I strongly suspect that I am being lied to in so many ways that it scares me! I also think that maybe my size is a hinderance on our relationship as well. I have noticed more and more comments to the negative. Short snide little things, but I try to blow it off. I honestly worry more about his pleasure than anything else. If I please him then I am satisfied. This has always been my nature. I am worried that he is getting bored. I am not here to bail him out of anything but I do just want to be loved for me. Not the benefits associated with. He tells me things are not the end of the world this was in reference to seeing me or not seeing me. It frustrates me that he doesn't care. I just don't fit in his world. I cannot honestly say that he has any other friends like me. I feel like I have to watch what I say.

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I should have lied! I should have lied through my teeth!!! It is so frustrating when people withhold advice because you tell them one angle of the story and they decide that your evil purpose is okay because it is justified! What happened to doing the right thing for the sake of being good? Just when I want a brutal lashing, out of nowhere he says its okay that I am justified as long as I seek couple counseling to make sure that the other one knows what is happening and what I feel. I should have left the bad part out until the end. Nothing is salvagable but still I need the chastising!!! My thoughts and actions are not those of a good person, but it is okay cuz he is who he is? And then the one who holds my heart is absolutely killing me this minute! I guess without the beating by E I deserve to be in pain. I am so frustrated by him letting things go when I want them challenged. If I tell him I am okay then it flies right out of his mind. Why do I have to say everything and why cant he see the pain I am in? I think I purposely set myself up for the fall. Maybe I should just move to the mountains and be a hermit with my own thoughts and twistedness.

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Ugh I am soooo frustrated with him! I feel like we take one step forward and he completes me and the next minute I want to beat him and we have taken 6 steps back!!!! I am not sure that I can handle the emo roller coaster that he is. Moody to stealing my heart to solemn to excited. Sometimes I am not sure that I fit in his world at all and maybe I don't. Do I just go along for the ride and walk away when he decides to walk? I think I am a magnet for things that could be really cool if only they had happened to me at a different stage in my life. Like when I am not burdened by 100 other things and then trying to fit them in. I am most frustrated w/ the fact that he only shares just a little bit. I feel like I have a whole body to know and that I am only being exposed to a finger tip. There is so much to love in that one little area and it saddens me because I suspect there are greater things to learn. The other one described me as "in flux" which to him defined is never being constant always changing. To me it meant he thought I was unstable...which I guess I am in a sense in regards to our relationship. That is an epic tale that would be too lengthy to describe as the twists and turns almost nauseate me. Thank goodness I have guidance. I only hope I can live up to the expectations. How does one choose between self and family, does it come down to good and evil? Or do I find a happy balance between self and family? What if that balance also includes something evil to hold it together? Evil defined as something that would potentially hurt another person if they were to find out. It is incredible how the one makes me feel. You see all the domestic violence posts about while you are criticizing her someone is complimenting her, etc....I feel this is so true in every case. There is always someone out there who wishes they had what you have. I have seen it since I have been dating. I have even had a friend tell me that she would give anything to have a guy as in love w/ me as the other one once was. But what if that obsession destroyed you. I was placed on a pedestal and then criticized and destroyed because I wasn't everything he had pictured I was or dreamed I was. How can you live with falling short when all the expectations are so much greater than you can achieve? So I have spent 16 years of my life trying to redeem myself, when I don't love him in the way that he is my soulmate and never have. How do you undo 16 years of training without destroying the other person? I have let him slide on so many things because I have failed him in so many ways in both our eyes...his being the harsher judgement mine just personal reflection. I wish I could walk and we could stay friends but I don't ever see that happening. He is too prideful and the rejection would crush him. The one currently wanting to love me in ways that I haven't been loved frustrates me. I do not recommend relationships that develop so fast and so intensely. I don't think it gives you a realistic view of the other person or the relationship or where it is headed. It is even more difficult when you are not sure of your wants or what it is you like when you begin the relationship. Sometimes I see this relationship ending brutally and it saddens me greatly. I dont do well w/ being anyone's second choice and I am scared that my doubts will manifest in to rash actions instead of me rationally looking at the situation for what it is. I am so used to being lied to and manipulated and unhappy that it is possible that I would mistrust true happiness or a genuine person. I am always waiting for the hammer to fall. So far, he has taken me as I am, complete w/ failure and flaw and hasn't judged me too harshly. If he has then he has yet to speak it. I am positive it is there and am trying to accept that people can like other people without having to like everything about them. This is a hard concept for someone who is used to being on the pedestal and being critiqued like a piece of art.

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Total blogging virgin here...haha. Apparently I have decided that I have a lot to say and really want to be allowed to say it somewhat anonymously. Mostly this will contain random thoughts, ideas, feelings, whatever that cross my mind and that I wish to revisit again at a later date to determine the level of my sanity at any given moment. Mostly this is a moral tug of war that I am tired of keeping locked in my soul so now I am falling back on an old trick that I used to use before studying for a major exam. If I take everything that comes to my mind for 20 minutes, thoughts, worries, concerns, duties, etc...and write each of those things down so that I wont forget them, then my mind will be free to absorb other knowledge because it will no longer be "worried" that I am forgetting something important because it is already written down for me to review at a later date. That being said....here goes.....