Random Thoughts

So today while driving my fwb to work he mentions how he will probably move in w/ his friend (guy) soon for the summer or the rest of the time he is here. He then tells me the only thing preventing him from doing this is the lease he currently has. If he moves in with his friend it means that I won't see him at all ever. The only time I get to see him is in the mornings before work and I cannot do that if he moves in with his friend because the friend is not supposed to know about us. I am having a hard time with it, I guess that seeing me regularly does not mean much to him. I suspect that he maybe considering getting back together with the mother of his daughters, which I guess is fine because families should not be split. It just hurts because I feel such a connection with him and I have never truly been in love with anyone before. I am sad that he isn't in love with me and that I don't fit into his life. He, I guess, was letting me know that he is selfish and will do what he needs and wants to do in life and that I am only a person that he knows and is willing and capable of letting go of when he needs to. I am trying to remember that we can survive almost anything but that doesnt mean that it does not hurt just as bad. I am not sure I can continue on like this. I feel like I am being destroyed inside. He told me he enjoys seeing me but then he can save money to get his car fixed. I know I shouldn't be offended or even hurt but I cannot help it. I knew he was selfish going into this and I also knew that what he wanted would always come first. I am considering just stepping way back so that I don't get hurt any further and let him figure things out for himself. I have been having anxiety attacks about getting a job because I know it will mean that I won't get to see him. He basically cemented it. I am just scared because he has my heart and he really doesn't want it. I think I will just ask for it back and try to move forward. I know if I get focused on other things that it won't hurt as bad. It is hard to let go of the first thing you love but I have heard that you have to. I just know myself and the saying if "it comes back it is yours", but by the time I shut all of those feelings down I know I wont be able to open them back up. So it will be a waste if it comes back to me because I wont trust in it. I am not the one setting it free, it is setting itself free. Changes the rules a little. I tried telling myself that I could decide to just do what I want and stop humoring people but I know myself and that is not going to work for me. I just want him to love me and it isn't going to happen so I need to get over it and move on. There is something out there waiting for me I guess I have yet to find it. I think I am going to have a talk with him regarding this and just see where we go from here. I have told him that I would take all the time I could have with him but I think that I cannot live with that any more. There are too many outside factors and it is killing me. He will be free of his responsibilities soon and I am not convinced that he is ready to be over his ex and I know that I am not a promising prospect given the amount of children that I have. So I think that he is just distancing me in prep. It isn't his fault that I am so attached to him, I should have known better. I just didn't expect to need him and I die a little each time that I realize that he doesn't need me. I guess we will have a talk out soon. I think I need something concrete right now and I know that I am failing miserably on my end. I have made no progress toward ending my own situation and I am very hesitant to trust in what is between me and him in case he isn't feeling the same depth of emotion that I am. If I were him I would look at my actions and probably react the same way. I am not a safe bet and who would want the damaged goods that I am.