Random Thoughts

the roller coaster.....the train wreck....the all time high....the bottom of the cess pool....elated....deflated....alone and surrounded....bled out....filled up....hated and loved. SCARED and WEAK :) Lots of things to think, feel, explore and decide. The talk with April was upsetting and cleansing at the same time. I suspected that she and I were parallel in many ways I guess I just didn't expect the degree. It is hard when someone can tell you the answer to the choices you are going to make. When they do it and you know they are right and it is true. She asked me if I could stand alone without the support of anyone. I told her I didn't know. And really I don't know. I know that I am happy with him and I do not believe that I am trading one for another. I may have started out that way but it grew so fast into something more. It seems so natural to have him in my life and world that it is an extension of me. No one wants to be a replacement for someone else but he is truly the only person that has gotten a response out of my body that is normal. If it wasn't for my guilt, I would have no trouble leaving with him and never looking back. I am scared I am using a warped justification for feeling so. All of her advice was well given and I agree with everything. I just haven't accepted that I can leave my children and still be a good person. She told me to let go of the ideas that society has forced on me but these are dear beliefs that I hold. I wasn't wanted as a child and that is one of the worst feelings ever. I don't want my kids to think that i feel that way about them. Every argument she threw at me is one I have covered myself. It is just the realities that I am facing that I have a hard time with. I think it will be difficult to get past what others think and what they will think when I am not mom of the year. April believes that if I just make the choice and move forward that I will be able to leave the demons behind. I am not sure I can live with the choice that I am wanting to make. Which comes back to can I stand alone without any support. In honesty, I don't know. I have never had too really. My family is supportive in weird ways but they anxiously wait for me the chosen one to fall or fail so they can feed off of it. When I walk away, it will be from them first and then Don and the kids. I know Don is strong enough to run them off and not let them badly influence the children. Each night I pray we can remain friends as we raise the children separately. I pray for his happiness because he deserves to be. I am scared that I am also using this as an excuse for not leaving, for leaving, for justification. I shut the door on being jealous of him finding someone a long time ago. It was a relief to be rid of that poison, I felt like it was consuming me and it was. The guilt is what is consuming me now. I am dying to know if I can leave my family and still count myself as a good person. Or will I try to spend the rest of my life making up for my failings or what I see as me failing. When one of the children accuses me of everything they have a right to be bitter about, will I be able to handle it or will it crush me. I want their happiness but I am not convinced that staying in a relationship I am not happy with will make them happy.