Random Thoughts

Headed into the weekend. Not sure what is planned or even what to plan. I have run out of entertainment ideas. Better get on it before I get yelled at :{ Ape would like a pour your heart out letter from me and I am hesitant to write it. I know it is gonna be painful just to type the yucky details and I am really not looking forward to it. I know we all have to face what we were and the bad decisions we have made but it has never been easy. Then to share all those ugly things with someone else is a bit much sometimes. Not real crazy about it UGH! I hate when I type and it sounds like poor little me. Really I am not bitter about much and I would just like to have a fresh start. Not that I have any really bad issues in my life, just that I am not proud of most of it. Mostly the reason I moved away was to remove the bad factors in my life and have a start over with just my little family. That too has not worked out for me and I am wondering what it is about me that is wrong. I have come to the conclusion that there is not a begin again for me with him and the children. I think I have hurt him enough that he won't ever get over anything that has happened and it is all I can do to attempt to care for him like I am in love with him and he is my soul mate. I never did learn to love deeply properly even with my children. Only recently did I discover that I could love someone deeply and I am stressed that this has happened at such a difficult time in my life. Or maybe I needed the difficult time to bring out this ability. I just really feel strongly that I need to separate myself from my family in order to appreciate them. Or check into the crazy house cause I don't feel far from being certifiable.