Random Thoughts

Not sure what to write today. Things seem to be in a nice state where all is smooth. The chaos is what I am choosing to ignore. I have a million things to do and I have only done one thing on my list and I have yet to find ambition. I have agreed to let my special guy read my blog and I am a little nervous about that after reading my previous posts. I did not go back and edit or delete anything because I feel it is important for me to be able to look back on actual thoughts and feelings and reflect on them in order to move forward in a positive manner along with reliving some events that were just mind blowing. Yesterday I felt like I chose to walk a healthier path. I spent most of the weekend in tears due to establishing a separation in my current situation. Sometimes it helps to have a person give you advice on your feelings but it didn't stop it from hurting all the same. I know that I am not mom of the year but it doesn't mean that I don't love my children. To have a friend tell me that I lack on that aspect hurt a lot but in reality I do lack as a parent when compared with everyone else. Just hurt to have it confirmed. I am really trying to make a peaceful arrangement in order to go forward. I am not looking forward to how the kids will be with my proposed arrangement but since I am lacking in that aspect I feel that it won't be a huge loss to them. I almost wonder if I will be a better parent if I view it as a job/routine that I have to do each day/week. It is going to mean a lot of work but maybe I will be better at it when I remove the other as a factor. I really don't see my life as being as difficult once I am out from under his thumb. In reality I know he will continue to be a huge part of my life as we are connected through our children. I sincerely hope that we can be friends and that moving forward we can happily share together in their lives. I honestly wish that he finds a person that completes him and is all that I never could be. He seems happier to have me say things like I am tired of how he treats me and I am not sure how his negativity is impacting the children. I hope that my decisions will help them to be stronger. I am not sure that my situation can be advised well because each person I have talked with has been on the opposite side of the story.