Random Thoughts

Feeling physically ill at the minute. I am really tired of being two people. The one the world sees who is happy about things and happy for everyone and the one that stays hidden and cries silently. I did fully realize the phrase "you will be surprised at what you can live through" until lately. I don't know if my heart can take much more breaking. Sometimes I would like to tear from my chest and give it to them to finish off. I really need some time and space to think. My love is peace and when the peace is gone or taken away the hole left is too much to cover. I do not think that there is appreciation for the choice that has to be made. Separation from the kids in exchange for time with him that obviously will not last is a scary prospect. If I leave them for him and he leaves me for his then I lose all around. I believe he decided that I am easiest to lose in his situation and I have a hard time choosing to trade them for this short time with him. I asked him if we will grow apart in November? He didn't answer so I believe it means we will. Don't get me wrong, his reasons for leaving are valid. I just find it heart breaking that I didn't even make the top list of reasons to stay. How do you accept that you are not enough? He told me he considered our situation when he decided to move to his friend's place. He knows it would be awkward to have me over to his friend's house and then he also mentioned that he spoke with his friend about having girls over and how if he did have girls over it would affect the friend's kids. I did not see the question as being relevant if he never intended to invite me over due to the awkwardness of the situation. I am so confused and hurt. Am I to understand that we end when he moves and if so, I am inclined to end it sooner and just remember what was. I do not have it in me to continue hoping that I am his to keep when so many factors work against me and when he won't tell me where I stand in the order of things. I wonder if he would be willing to share tonight. Doubtful but I am going to see anyways. If he was willing then I think I had better get it over with.