Random Thoughts

Karin is German....I win. She is a beautiful lady with an active family. I enjoy the people that come into workout. Amazing variation and certainly fun to sharpen my wits. As I watch the concrete man with his saw shaping the crack in the concrete I admire his fore arms and wonder at his hidden tatoo which teases me just out of sight above the cuff of his sleeve. He carefully shapes the crack in the crete for repair while carelessly not using his protective faceshield. I marvel at the flex of his muscles as the saw moves through the hardened concrete like a knife through butter. I want to quiz him regarding concrete repair but my questions would be unwelcome annoyances so I refrain. In the meantime he blocks the entrance to my gym and creates drive offs as my clientele do not wish to use the alternate route in order to get into the gym to workout. The motivation to walk extra steps is not there so they quietly drive off seeking coffee, doughnuts and mundane conversation elsewhere because sweat is not attractive unless it is easily achieved with enjoyment. I often wonder if smoking pot would balance out the intensity of the electromagnetism felt here. It pulls, realigns, and creates tensions a body is not used to. As I speak with others, I question aloud at what brought them to this stage in their lives. Responses are varied but reactions are similar. Pity mixed with reflection on what could have been if only things were different. So I redirect them and ask them to focus on the good they brought to or out of every situation while I analyze if they were brought into my life to answer a question I had or if I am here to help them or if the relationship is symbiotic. I have found so many that have walked a similar path, one that parallels, and one that completes me on so many levels. I have discovered what was lacking and learned to appreciate a side of me so hidden I suspected it had expired a long time ago. I mourned it as a death and tried to pick up the broken pieces reconstructing them with cheap crazy glue that is more effective for gluing my fingers together. Settling for less out of fear has not been good for me. Understanding that I protect people from things that could hurt them has shown me a side of me that is unhealthy for me. I no longer want the burden of protecting them and sacrificing myself. I want to feel without shame, love without limits, give without thinking of the returns painful or joyful and just live what life brings me.