Random Thoughts

And it seems like we are back to square one. Why is it that when I say NO people hear maybe? If they work on me a little that I will relax and say maybe. I am confused as to how to say no in the most effective way. I must give off a signal that says I am not confident in saying no so they push for that maybe. Maybe I should say maybe and then it will mean no. I am torn about the answer to my problem. Is it possible for a person to believe in something so much that the ugly truth is not an option or it is not possible that they can believe the reality? Will they keep clinging on to the false reality because they cannot imagine life any other way? How is it possible to feel and firmly believe you are in love with someone yet you do not see that you are verbally destroying them and any self confidence they have because that person has let the abuse slide for so long? Do you become conditioned to believe that because they say nothing at the time that your behavior is acceptable and is the way it should be for all time? I hope that I am not that way. I sincerely hope that I do not mistreat someone that I love. I do not intend to destroy someone that way. The ultimate question is is it considered abuse or destructive to tell someone that you do not love them in the way that you would love your mate? Is it more destructive to live a lie once you have discovered that you are capable of loving someone in that way yet you continue to stay with the person that you love like a friend or family member? What example are you setting for your children? Does living the lie protect them for the time being? Does it teach them to give that part of themselves to someone else even when they are in an unhappy relationship? What happens to their confidence and beliefs when they find out they grew up believing in a lie? I continue to speak of the family moving forward as a family but in my heart I know it won't move forward with me. I feel this tendency to not kick him when I know that he is already hurting. I asked him if he wanted the band aid removed slowly or quickly? All the pain at once or just a little bit at a time. He spoke with me, telling me that he loves me and cannot live without me. If that is the case, then why did he spend eighteen years tearing me down? I stayed because I never dreamed I would find someone else I wanted to be with and be in love with physically and mentally heart and soul. Now that I have lived a lie with him for so long is it not possible for him to see the truth and believe it? He is afraid of the destruction and I understand that because I am afraid of it too. I am afraid of destroying the children and obviously afraid of destroying him because I cannot just cold-bloodedly walk away without looking back. It is not something that I want to go back to it is just that I would like to bear all of their pain. Does it come down to me making the choice to live in my own pain and cause them no pain for right now? Is divorce easier to handle when the children are grown or is it easier now in the formative years? These questions are not easy to answer as no one follows a cookie cutter pattern. Things and happenings mean differently to each individual. Can we be a group of people who are close to and love each other while going our separate ways. Does the happiness of the group mean more than the happiness of each individual? Doesn't individual happiness and satisfaction contribute to the group happiness? I believe it does. If I am not happy then how can I add to the happiness of the group and not lose interest or lose myself. Is this selfish?