Random Thoughts

Kind of a weird day altogether. Some times I think I understand something only to be blindsided by a different point of view. In some cases this is most welcome, right now I am just confused and hurting. I have to get more confidence and stop second guessing everything. I truly am afraid that if I pull out the I don't care card that it will happen like it normally does. I won't care about any aspect, just get bored and walk away. I wish it wasn't so black and white for me. I seem to remember all the funny little things he has said. I am trying not to read too much into it but what are you supposed to think when you spend the evening with someone, make love, and then just hang out and then their comment the next morning is the best part of last night was people watching. Mind you I did not ask for an input on what the best aspect of the previous evening was. It was just thrown out there. I mean yeah it was fun but really what I am supposed to think? Did I not meet up to some expectation? I guess I just don't understand. But he then ended the morning by calling me a "douche" for making a teasing comment about his phone. Not sure how to feel about that one as well. I really want to ask him many things but don't want to seem psychotic at the same time so mostly I just bite my tongue. His world really kind of scares me. I guess certain aspects of it anyways. Maybe this is karma giving me a dose of my own medicine. Maybe I should take a short break from this one. I would probably get a better perspective. Right now I am just frustrated. I am thinking am here to be used and it is hard to not feel resentful. He shared some information with me that kind of disturbs me. It is a world that I am not used to and I am wondering if I can be giving enough to be tolerable? Meaning can I tolerate it? I strongly suspect that I am being lied to in so many ways that it scares me! I also think that maybe my size is a hinderance on our relationship as well. I have noticed more and more comments to the negative. Short snide little things, but I try to blow it off. I honestly worry more about his pleasure than anything else. If I please him then I am satisfied. This has always been my nature. I am worried that he is getting bored. I am not here to bail him out of anything but I do just want to be loved for me. Not the benefits associated with. He tells me things are not the end of the world this was in reference to seeing me or not seeing me. It frustrates me that he doesn't care. I just don't fit in his world. I cannot honestly say that he has any other friends like me. I feel like I have to watch what I say.