Random Thoughts

Ugh I am soooo frustrated with him! I feel like we take one step forward and he completes me and the next minute I want to beat him and we have taken 6 steps back!!!! I am not sure that I can handle the emo roller coaster that he is. Moody to stealing my heart to solemn to excited. Sometimes I am not sure that I fit in his world at all and maybe I don't. Do I just go along for the ride and walk away when he decides to walk? I think I am a magnet for things that could be really cool if only they had happened to me at a different stage in my life. Like when I am not burdened by 100 other things and then trying to fit them in. I am most frustrated w/ the fact that he only shares just a little bit. I feel like I have a whole body to know and that I am only being exposed to a finger tip. There is so much to love in that one little area and it saddens me because I suspect there are greater things to learn. The other one described me as "in flux" which to him defined is never being constant always changing. To me it meant he thought I was unstable...which I guess I am in a sense in regards to our relationship. That is an epic tale that would be too lengthy to describe as the twists and turns almost nauseate me. Thank goodness I have guidance. I only hope I can live up to the expectations. How does one choose between self and family, does it come down to good and evil? Or do I find a happy balance between self and family? What if that balance also includes something evil to hold it together? Evil defined as something that would potentially hurt another person if they were to find out. It is incredible how the one makes me feel. You see all the domestic violence posts about while you are criticizing her someone is complimenting her, etc....I feel this is so true in every case. There is always someone out there who wishes they had what you have. I have seen it since I have been dating. I have even had a friend tell me that she would give anything to have a guy as in love w/ me as the other one once was. But what if that obsession destroyed you. I was placed on a pedestal and then criticized and destroyed because I wasn't everything he had pictured I was or dreamed I was. How can you live with falling short when all the expectations are so much greater than you can achieve? So I have spent 16 years of my life trying to redeem myself, when I don't love him in the way that he is my soulmate and never have. How do you undo 16 years of training without destroying the other person? I have let him slide on so many things because I have failed him in so many ways in both our eyes...his being the harsher judgement mine just personal reflection. I wish I could walk and we could stay friends but I don't ever see that happening. He is too prideful and the rejection would crush him. The one currently wanting to love me in ways that I haven't been loved frustrates me. I do not recommend relationships that develop so fast and so intensely. I don't think it gives you a realistic view of the other person or the relationship or where it is headed. It is even more difficult when you are not sure of your wants or what it is you like when you begin the relationship. Sometimes I see this relationship ending brutally and it saddens me greatly. I dont do well w/ being anyone's second choice and I am scared that my doubts will manifest in to rash actions instead of me rationally looking at the situation for what it is. I am so used to being lied to and manipulated and unhappy that it is possible that I would mistrust true happiness or a genuine person. I am always waiting for the hammer to fall. So far, he has taken me as I am, complete w/ failure and flaw and hasn't judged me too harshly. If he has then he has yet to speak it. I am positive it is there and am trying to accept that people can like other people without having to like everything about them. This is a hard concept for someone who is used to being on the pedestal and being critiqued like a piece of art.