Random Thoughts

the roller coaster.....the train wreck....the all time high....the bottom of the cess pool....elated....deflated....alone and surrounded....bled out....filled up....hated and loved. SCARED and WEAK :) Lots of things to think, feel, explore and decide. The talk with April was upsetting and cleansing at the same time. I suspected that she and I were parallel in many ways I guess I just didn't expect the degree. It is hard when someone can tell you the answer to the choices you are going to make. When they do it and you know they are right and it is true. She asked me if I could stand alone without the support of anyone. I told her I didn't know. And really I don't know. I know that I am happy with him and I do not believe that I am trading one for another. I may have started out that way but it grew so fast into something more. It seems so natural to have him in my life and world that it is an extension of me. No one wants to be a replacement for someone else but he is truly the only person that has gotten a response out of my body that is normal. If it wasn't for my guilt, I would have no trouble leaving with him and never looking back. I am scared I am using a warped justification for feeling so. All of her advice was well given and I agree with everything. I just haven't accepted that I can leave my children and still be a good person. She told me to let go of the ideas that society has forced on me but these are dear beliefs that I hold. I wasn't wanted as a child and that is one of the worst feelings ever. I don't want my kids to think that i feel that way about them. Every argument she threw at me is one I have covered myself. It is just the realities that I am facing that I have a hard time with. I think it will be difficult to get past what others think and what they will think when I am not mom of the year. April believes that if I just make the choice and move forward that I will be able to leave the demons behind. I am not sure I can live with the choice that I am wanting to make. Which comes back to can I stand alone without any support. In honesty, I don't know. I have never had too really. My family is supportive in weird ways but they anxiously wait for me the chosen one to fall or fail so they can feed off of it. When I walk away, it will be from them first and then Don and the kids. I know Don is strong enough to run them off and not let them badly influence the children. Each night I pray we can remain friends as we raise the children separately. I pray for his happiness because he deserves to be. I am scared that I am also using this as an excuse for not leaving, for leaving, for justification. I shut the door on being jealous of him finding someone a long time ago. It was a relief to be rid of that poison, I felt like it was consuming me and it was. The guilt is what is consuming me now. I am dying to know if I can leave my family and still count myself as a good person. Or will I try to spend the rest of my life making up for my failings or what I see as me failing. When one of the children accuses me of everything they have a right to be bitter about, will I be able to handle it or will it crush me. I want their happiness but I am not convinced that staying in a relationship I am not happy with will make them happy.

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Headed into the weekend. Not sure what is planned or even what to plan. I have run out of entertainment ideas. Better get on it before I get yelled at :{ Ape would like a pour your heart out letter from me and I am hesitant to write it. I know it is gonna be painful just to type the yucky details and I am really not looking forward to it. I know we all have to face what we were and the bad decisions we have made but it has never been easy. Then to share all those ugly things with someone else is a bit much sometimes. Not real crazy about it UGH! I hate when I type and it sounds like poor little me. Really I am not bitter about much and I would just like to have a fresh start. Not that I have any really bad issues in my life, just that I am not proud of most of it. Mostly the reason I moved away was to remove the bad factors in my life and have a start over with just my little family. That too has not worked out for me and I am wondering what it is about me that is wrong. I have come to the conclusion that there is not a begin again for me with him and the children. I think I have hurt him enough that he won't ever get over anything that has happened and it is all I can do to attempt to care for him like I am in love with him and he is my soul mate. I never did learn to love deeply properly even with my children. Only recently did I discover that I could love someone deeply and I am stressed that this has happened at such a difficult time in my life. Or maybe I needed the difficult time to bring out this ability. I just really feel strongly that I need to separate myself from my family in order to appreciate them. Or check into the crazy house cause I don't feel far from being certifiable.

Random Thoughts

I wonder if it is like that because the opportunity has not presented itself before in his relationships with others or because he is genuinely into me and wants it to be just us. It is confusing because of the fact that I am still married as far as the courts are concerned. I am being unfair by expecting a just us relationship. I guess I didn't trust the insult to be anything but an insult. Maybe he is waiting for the next thing to come along? Our conversation this afternoon was kind of weird and once again I need to think before I tease. I am happy with us and am not looking at being approached by anyone else for a relationship that is anywhere close to fwb or anything other than just friends. I wonder if the opportunity presented itself to him if he would choose to develop a more than friends relationship with one of his friends. Strange that I can reflect on this subject without crying. It is possible that I am stressed beyond emotion and am floating in a daze. I know it would hurt if he did choose something like that and I hope he respects me enough to tell me beforehand if it is like that. He seems to have more confidence but I guess I don't really know that for sure since I don't get to see him interact with many people socially. It was cute when he put his hand on my thigh in front of his roommate. And he was funny when we were hanging with her but that is the only thing I have to go by. I just think he is sweet and mysterious and aggravating and lovable. Being the possessive person that I have always been, I am surprised at how little his group of friends being mostly girls bothers me. I think the difference is that I don't know them or much about him and I guess the history is lacking and too bothersome to really care about. I am not used to that. Most everyone I know, I have known forever and any guy I have dated has pretty much been linked to my tight circle of friends, which was difficult. I am seeming to like this way better, gives a person a fresh start without all the history to wade through and worry about. I enjoy learning about his past and meeting people he knows when he is ready to share them but I like how it is relaxed and separate for now.

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I make myself laugh at how happy I am today. It is fun to be in this type of playful mood. I am sitting here grinning crazily for no apparent reason other than 'cheese'. Strange thoughts floating through my head that I know only I can see the humor in. Nice thing about having multiple personalities is that you can laugh with yourself and there is always another person that gets your sick sense of humor. Jokes! That is the kind of mood I am in though. It started last night with April and her lesbian comments about cookies and cream and it just went crazy from there on. I just went over the texts from last night on my own phone and giggled hysterically. She and I went from laughing to bitch mode in .3 seconds and then back to laughing until we cried. Talking with him even in his 'mood' was also awesome. I am thinking of starting a side post/blog that contains the questions that I ask him that get avoided or that he just won't answer. I am thinking he doesn't know how to answer half the things I ask because I do ask some strange things. Most the time I don't have a motive but I can be a bit much when I decide I want to get offended about something. He is quick to pick up on things that might offend me and is getting good at fielding them or leading into a potential problem response with a compliment and then the answer. It has been cracking me up lately. I am not sure when I decided to make the mental change to 'whatever' but it is a euphoric feeling and I am enjoying it. I am going to have to get serious pretty soon because I feel a big stress coming on and I want to be able to make it through it positively. I know this means that I will have to start facing up to some things that I have been 'avoiding'. But for now....bliss :) Just enjoy the people that come into your life for whatever reason.

Random Thoughts

Not sure what to write today. Things seem to be in a nice state where all is smooth. The chaos is what I am choosing to ignore. I have a million things to do and I have only done one thing on my list and I have yet to find ambition. I have agreed to let my special guy read my blog and I am a little nervous about that after reading my previous posts. I did not go back and edit or delete anything because I feel it is important for me to be able to look back on actual thoughts and feelings and reflect on them in order to move forward in a positive manner along with reliving some events that were just mind blowing. Yesterday I felt like I chose to walk a healthier path. I spent most of the weekend in tears due to establishing a separation in my current situation. Sometimes it helps to have a person give you advice on your feelings but it didn't stop it from hurting all the same. I know that I am not mom of the year but it doesn't mean that I don't love my children. To have a friend tell me that I lack on that aspect hurt a lot but in reality I do lack as a parent when compared with everyone else. Just hurt to have it confirmed. I am really trying to make a peaceful arrangement in order to go forward. I am not looking forward to how the kids will be with my proposed arrangement but since I am lacking in that aspect I feel that it won't be a huge loss to them. I almost wonder if I will be a better parent if I view it as a job/routine that I have to do each day/week. It is going to mean a lot of work but maybe I will be better at it when I remove the other as a factor. I really don't see my life as being as difficult once I am out from under his thumb. In reality I know he will continue to be a huge part of my life as we are connected through our children. I sincerely hope that we can be friends and that moving forward we can happily share together in their lives. I honestly wish that he finds a person that completes him and is all that I never could be. He seems happier to have me say things like I am tired of how he treats me and I am not sure how his negativity is impacting the children. I hope that my decisions will help them to be stronger. I am not sure that my situation can be advised well because each person I have talked with has been on the opposite side of the story.

Random Thoughts

I think it is funny how we all have that friend that we look at as "ours". You know the one that really is nondescript but that we are so used to having in our lives that when they find a special someone we get possessive all of a sudden? I have been laughing because this seems to be happening to my special guy and his roommate. She has been living with him for awhile after working with him for a few years at the same place. She is cute and funny, but a little strange, and she seems to feel that she is losing him even though they only have a friends relationship. Now that he has introduced us, she has been having awkward moments and not knowing where she fits in or is wondering if maybe she should have tried to have a more than friends relationship with him. She is now making him dinner a lot, or taking him out to dinner, or having him help her cook. It cracks me up because I had the same thing happen to me before with a guy. I started dating him and all the girls in his class became hostile towards me. But none of them showed any interest in him before, only when I came on the scene did they get their 'ownership' on. I remember it baffling him at the time. He always wondered why...if they were so into him...that no one let him know about it. I hope she figures out her personal life soon because it is awkward and I don't like that she feels uncomfortable. Guys seem oblivious to this stuff or they just don't care, but as girls we know that it is not the best feeling when you think maybe you missed out on your chance because someone saw something that maybe you didn't in this person. I have many guy friends and there were a couple that I felt like that about and then there were some that felt that way about me. I do have some regrets with some of those guy friends because I didn't take the extra step to make something happen. Then again I didn't want to lose the close friendship I had with them by dating them and having that awkward break up moment. It was nicer just to stay friends. I think my special guy is seeing some opportunities that maybe he didn't explore before present themselves now that he has me in his life. People are noticing him now or maybe he is just getting enough confidence to explore avenues that he wouldn't have before me. I like building up his self confidence and although it may backfire on me, I hope that I can enjoy the fact that I knew him and appreciate our time together. I feel today that I am growing towards that place where it was just awesome to have the experience.

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Well this is the week of no morning visits. Guess I better suck it up and get used to it cuz eventually I am going to have to get a job. It is funny how I get upset when he chooses other activities over talking to me. I mean I bend over backwards to give him every ounce of time that I have to spare and he is like "meh". He can truly do whatever he wants without thought to others. I guess I am just jealous and today I spent punishing him for it. I ignored the last night text, this mornings text, and I barely was able to force myself to respond to the repeated attempt at my attention with the late morning text. Then I was not very nice. I just am mad cause I cannot see exactly where I fit in his life. I mean I wish to spend most of my time with him but the situation we are in only allows for certain time spent and texts just suck. It is an easy way out for him cuz he can just send them to appease me. I texted you Hi so I am off the hook. He never inquires when he can see me and so I am done with warning him when I am free. For example, the other night I made a dessert and told him I could bring him some later that evening when he was home from hanging with his friend who he went to see at noonish. So from 4:30pm to 9:00 pm I just hung out driving around town figuring that at least by 8 pm he would be back to his house. So at quarter to nine I texted him telling him that he missed my cutoff and that I would just leave the dessert on his porch. Response, Ok sorry I would have liked to see you....I wanted to yell REALLY!!!!!! You didn't give me that impression. It is just frustrating and the longer I go the less I see me being in his life. I just don't fit in schedule wise. He clearly has his life mapped out for now and I was this weird happening that really doesn't fit anywhere. I wonder how long before I get completely fed up. I love him but I cannot see continuing to try for each shred of time. UGH FML!!!!

Random Thoughts

So today while driving my fwb to work he mentions how he will probably move in w/ his friend (guy) soon for the summer or the rest of the time he is here. He then tells me the only thing preventing him from doing this is the lease he currently has. If he moves in with his friend it means that I won't see him at all ever. The only time I get to see him is in the mornings before work and I cannot do that if he moves in with his friend because the friend is not supposed to know about us. I am having a hard time with it, I guess that seeing me regularly does not mean much to him. I suspect that he maybe considering getting back together with the mother of his daughters, which I guess is fine because families should not be split. It just hurts because I feel such a connection with him and I have never truly been in love with anyone before. I am sad that he isn't in love with me and that I don't fit into his life. He, I guess, was letting me know that he is selfish and will do what he needs and wants to do in life and that I am only a person that he knows and is willing and capable of letting go of when he needs to. I am trying to remember that we can survive almost anything but that doesnt mean that it does not hurt just as bad. I am not sure I can continue on like this. I feel like I am being destroyed inside. He told me he enjoys seeing me but then he can save money to get his car fixed. I know I shouldn't be offended or even hurt but I cannot help it. I knew he was selfish going into this and I also knew that what he wanted would always come first. I am considering just stepping way back so that I don't get hurt any further and let him figure things out for himself. I have been having anxiety attacks about getting a job because I know it will mean that I won't get to see him. He basically cemented it. I am just scared because he has my heart and he really doesn't want it. I think I will just ask for it back and try to move forward. I know if I get focused on other things that it won't hurt as bad. It is hard to let go of the first thing you love but I have heard that you have to. I just know myself and the saying if "it comes back it is yours", but by the time I shut all of those feelings down I know I wont be able to open them back up. So it will be a waste if it comes back to me because I wont trust in it. I am not the one setting it free, it is setting itself free. Changes the rules a little. I tried telling myself that I could decide to just do what I want and stop humoring people but I know myself and that is not going to work for me. I just want him to love me and it isn't going to happen so I need to get over it and move on. There is something out there waiting for me I guess I have yet to find it. I think I am going to have a talk with him regarding this and just see where we go from here. I have told him that I would take all the time I could have with him but I think that I cannot live with that any more. There are too many outside factors and it is killing me. He will be free of his responsibilities soon and I am not convinced that he is ready to be over his ex and I know that I am not a promising prospect given the amount of children that I have. So I think that he is just distancing me in prep. It isn't his fault that I am so attached to him, I should have known better. I just didn't expect to need him and I die a little each time that I realize that he doesn't need me. I guess we will have a talk out soon. I think I need something concrete right now and I know that I am failing miserably on my end. I have made no progress toward ending my own situation and I am very hesitant to trust in what is between me and him in case he isn't feeling the same depth of emotion that I am. If I were him I would look at my actions and probably react the same way. I am not a safe bet and who would want the damaged goods that I am.

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Really kind of a bad day for me, nothing bad in particular happening just not feeling okay with anything right now. I am struggling to keep it together. I wish I could blame hormones but I think I am just mentally tired of the struggle. I often wonder how I can love others just the way they are, just as they are, even when they are hurting me? Then I wonder how God does it...how can he handle us continually hurting him and still love us? I guess that is why He is who He is. The ultimate achievement is to model ourselves after him and try our best to be better people. Just not easy to choose to love people for how they are and not seek to punish them when they do something that hurts you. It could even be something that isn't necessarily always directed at you, I mean they would do it to anyone without censorship, but it is hard to feel that you are not the target. I am trying to just live with who he is and what makes him him.

Random Thoughts

Today Linda had her baby so now I can quit being anxious. A baby girl is so exciting! It was a good day all around. I was so happy to see him this morning, it is amazing how just seeing him is calming and makes me happy :) It was a long weekend without him. I wonder if I will not be as anxious when we are together together, if he will allow it. I am just trying to think that he is simple and not in a mean way. He just exists the best he can and that I shouldn't read too much drama into anything. I hope he likes me as much as I like him. He just makes feel complete and loved. I am scared that me or the children will make him uncomfortable and scare him off for permanent terms. I never know how to deal with things that happen so fast. On a family note, I am really tired of being a kicking board for the people that have bad things happen to them. I often ask why I am the one that has to bear the brunt of all things. I am more than sick of hearing that I fail miserably as a daughter, granddaughter, sister, wife...UGH! I wonder if I can just be me.