Random Thoughts

I am hoping that everything is okay with him. I realize that sometimes you want to be left alone but this is kind of extreme. Oh well I guess I will wait. $5 says he might remember to contact me around 10 pm tomorrow night about a ride to work on Tuesday morning....hate being used! But I have to decide if I love him the total package and this is part of who he is or what? I will get there. Today was bittersweet. My trip north w/ the family was amazing...when I wasn't being lectured for saying something dumb or not feeling things aren't important...sheesh! Met a person who has one parent from Terry and the other from Circle...such a small world. The view of Mt. McKinley was awesome even w/ a little bit of cloud cover. The day was amazing. We got a late start but it ended so well :) Jumped in the truck and just drove to look at cabin sites and watch people. Stopped to fish at Nancy Lake...nothing promising, the kids got to swim and then we got poured on. I so want to go back and go canoeing. I must remember to look into the cabin prices and see about staying there for a weekend. We will see. When we got back to town we drove around for a bit and then decided to grab a King Stamp and hit Ship Creek. I was able to take a walk down the walking path while the guys fished. While walking I came to this pond off to the left of the currently raging Ship Creek. I was treated to a show of jumping fish. I was wishing I had some music because the fish jumped at such timed intervals that it looked choreographed. Made me laugh :) Such a peaceful way to spend an evening in the fabulous sunshine! Tomorrow the boys are leaving at 5:30 to hit fishing again...so I have most of the day to kill off. I think I will avoid the cell phone if possible and it will be J.A.W.S :)

Random Thoughts

Today had an awesome beginning. I mostly blog frustrations but I must say positive things as well. I cannot describe how incredible his love was this morning. I totally felt wrapped in it. When he held me in bed w/ him all that was touching me was his chest on my back and his arms around my stomach and chest..no blankets...he kept me warm just with that light touch, my whole body felt warm amazing feeling!!! I never imagined that someone could feel that right when they touched me, everywhere they touched me. I am so totally in love and I didn't know that that feeling could be so complete and fulfilling. The fact that feeling matured from obsession to completion is so intoxicating. After being with him this morning, my body has been feeling the aftershock all day. My lips and skin tingle, my mental state is euphoric. I smile, sigh, giggle and just feel totally blissed out! Even going into the three day weekend with the possibility of not seeing him until next Tuesday....I am feeling secure and confident that the weekend will be great. My mood could not get much better! The feeling of him in me was not necessarily physical as much as it was cerebral so intense!!!! The thought of pleasing him gave me intense pleasure and heightened the experience so much that I felt it all over, like magic, like an iv drug, like an electric shock...each part of my body was alive. I can still feel the memory of that feeling. It didn't fade at separation but lingered and has done so all morning...I am excited for the rest of the day...if this incredible feeling lasts in the slightest it is guaranteed to be good.

Random Thoughts

Kind of a weird day altogether. Some times I think I understand something only to be blindsided by a different point of view. In some cases this is most welcome, right now I am just confused and hurting. I have to get more confidence and stop second guessing everything. I truly am afraid that if I pull out the I don't care card that it will happen like it normally does. I won't care about any aspect, just get bored and walk away. I wish it wasn't so black and white for me. I seem to remember all the funny little things he has said. I am trying not to read too much into it but what are you supposed to think when you spend the evening with someone, make love, and then just hang out and then their comment the next morning is the best part of last night was people watching. Mind you I did not ask for an input on what the best aspect of the previous evening was. It was just thrown out there. I mean yeah it was fun but really what I am supposed to think? Did I not meet up to some expectation? I guess I just don't understand. But he then ended the morning by calling me a "douche" for making a teasing comment about his phone. Not sure how to feel about that one as well. I really want to ask him many things but don't want to seem psychotic at the same time so mostly I just bite my tongue. His world really kind of scares me. I guess certain aspects of it anyways. Maybe this is karma giving me a dose of my own medicine. Maybe I should take a short break from this one. I would probably get a better perspective. Right now I am just frustrated. I am thinking am here to be used and it is hard to not feel resentful. He shared some information with me that kind of disturbs me. It is a world that I am not used to and I am wondering if I can be giving enough to be tolerable? Meaning can I tolerate it? I strongly suspect that I am being lied to in so many ways that it scares me! I also think that maybe my size is a hinderance on our relationship as well. I have noticed more and more comments to the negative. Short snide little things, but I try to blow it off. I honestly worry more about his pleasure than anything else. If I please him then I am satisfied. This has always been my nature. I am worried that he is getting bored. I am not here to bail him out of anything but I do just want to be loved for me. Not the benefits associated with. He tells me things are not the end of the world this was in reference to seeing me or not seeing me. It frustrates me that he doesn't care. I just don't fit in his world. I cannot honestly say that he has any other friends like me. I feel like I have to watch what I say.

Random Thoughts

I should have lied! I should have lied through my teeth!!! It is so frustrating when people withhold advice because you tell them one angle of the story and they decide that your evil purpose is okay because it is justified! What happened to doing the right thing for the sake of being good? Just when I want a brutal lashing, out of nowhere he says its okay that I am justified as long as I seek couple counseling to make sure that the other one knows what is happening and what I feel. I should have left the bad part out until the end. Nothing is salvagable but still I need the chastising!!! My thoughts and actions are not those of a good person, but it is okay cuz he is who he is? And then the one who holds my heart is absolutely killing me this minute! I guess without the beating by E I deserve to be in pain. I am so frustrated by him letting things go when I want them challenged. If I tell him I am okay then it flies right out of his mind. Why do I have to say everything and why cant he see the pain I am in? I think I purposely set myself up for the fall. Maybe I should just move to the mountains and be a hermit with my own thoughts and twistedness.

Random Thoughts

Ugh I am soooo frustrated with him! I feel like we take one step forward and he completes me and the next minute I want to beat him and we have taken 6 steps back!!!! I am not sure that I can handle the emo roller coaster that he is. Moody to stealing my heart to solemn to excited. Sometimes I am not sure that I fit in his world at all and maybe I don't. Do I just go along for the ride and walk away when he decides to walk? I think I am a magnet for things that could be really cool if only they had happened to me at a different stage in my life. Like when I am not burdened by 100 other things and then trying to fit them in. I am most frustrated w/ the fact that he only shares just a little bit. I feel like I have a whole body to know and that I am only being exposed to a finger tip. There is so much to love in that one little area and it saddens me because I suspect there are greater things to learn. The other one described me as "in flux" which to him defined is never being constant always changing. To me it meant he thought I was unstable...which I guess I am in a sense in regards to our relationship. That is an epic tale that would be too lengthy to describe as the twists and turns almost nauseate me. Thank goodness I have guidance. I only hope I can live up to the expectations. How does one choose between self and family, does it come down to good and evil? Or do I find a happy balance between self and family? What if that balance also includes something evil to hold it together? Evil defined as something that would potentially hurt another person if they were to find out. It is incredible how the one makes me feel. You see all the domestic violence posts about while you are criticizing her someone is complimenting her, etc....I feel this is so true in every case. There is always someone out there who wishes they had what you have. I have seen it since I have been dating. I have even had a friend tell me that she would give anything to have a guy as in love w/ me as the other one once was. But what if that obsession destroyed you. I was placed on a pedestal and then criticized and destroyed because I wasn't everything he had pictured I was or dreamed I was. How can you live with falling short when all the expectations are so much greater than you can achieve? So I have spent 16 years of my life trying to redeem myself, when I don't love him in the way that he is my soulmate and never have. How do you undo 16 years of training without destroying the other person? I have let him slide on so many things because I have failed him in so many ways in both our eyes...his being the harsher judgement mine just personal reflection. I wish I could walk and we could stay friends but I don't ever see that happening. He is too prideful and the rejection would crush him. The one currently wanting to love me in ways that I haven't been loved frustrates me. I do not recommend relationships that develop so fast and so intensely. I don't think it gives you a realistic view of the other person or the relationship or where it is headed. It is even more difficult when you are not sure of your wants or what it is you like when you begin the relationship. Sometimes I see this relationship ending brutally and it saddens me greatly. I dont do well w/ being anyone's second choice and I am scared that my doubts will manifest in to rash actions instead of me rationally looking at the situation for what it is. I am so used to being lied to and manipulated and unhappy that it is possible that I would mistrust true happiness or a genuine person. I am always waiting for the hammer to fall. So far, he has taken me as I am, complete w/ failure and flaw and hasn't judged me too harshly. If he has then he has yet to speak it. I am positive it is there and am trying to accept that people can like other people without having to like everything about them. This is a hard concept for someone who is used to being on the pedestal and being critiqued like a piece of art.

Random Thoughts

Total blogging virgin here...haha. Apparently I have decided that I have a lot to say and really want to be allowed to say it somewhat anonymously. Mostly this will contain random thoughts, ideas, feelings, whatever that cross my mind and that I wish to revisit again at a later date to determine the level of my sanity at any given moment. Mostly this is a moral tug of war that I am tired of keeping locked in my soul so now I am falling back on an old trick that I used to use before studying for a major exam. If I take everything that comes to my mind for 20 minutes, thoughts, worries, concerns, duties, etc...and write each of those things down so that I wont forget them, then my mind will be free to absorb other knowledge because it will no longer be "worried" that I am forgetting something important because it is already written down for me to review at a later date. That being said....here goes.....