Random Thoughts

i cannot tell if I am more frustrated with myself or him. I feel sometimes like I don't have any idea who he is. I don't know what he sees in the future for us and he won't share his thoughts. I want to be mean sometimes and just not share anything that is going on with me either. I think that I will just be better if I stay away from the whole thing. So tonite when I got there he opened up facebook and he was on Leni's page. I know that he would trade me for her in a heartbeat if she would look his way and that is fine I guess. I just don't want him to hold on to me just because I am there. He really kind of messed things up with Dave and I am still a little mad about that. He ordered me to not talk with him and when I didn't it hurt Dave's feelings a lot. Now Dave must hate me pretty good becaue he is having to rethink how he is going to handle me coming to see him over there. I bet I don't get an invite and when I do he will have an anxiety attack about the whole thing. This is not my fault I don't feel I did anything wrong. I am very tired of having to treat Dave badly when all he did was care. It is very hard to hurt someone like that. There is no reason we cannot be friends...I don't want anything but friendship from him and I told him that from the beginning. It just feels so weird now. I know that he visualizes himself with other women and I dont' want to be jealous again. I just want space to breathe. I don't like that it is uncomfortable and I am not happy that my life has no real direction. I was lectured by him tonight for me being at the house while Don and the kids are on assistance. I did get good advice by being told to get a hold of CSS and start paying them immediately for child support. He did tell me he missed me like crazy so that was nice to hear. I am just so confused sometimes. I wish he would just say what he thinks. He is so quiet and it is bound to drive me mad. Doesn't sound like Dave is going to forgive me for not talking to him. I guess I just have to wait and see. I really being with him and hope it all works out for the best. When I am bitter I wonder if what the hell I am doing trading my children for him but when honestly sets in I am just trying to remove myself from this unhealthy lifestyle and learn about myself. I am totally into enjoying myself with him like I did a few weeks ago where there is no pressure but it seems like we have to go through lots of stress in order to get there again. Just so much left unanswered and I am so worried about Don hunting him down. I am starting to get confused about my emotions. I really need a breathing space so I can see who I miss the most and go from there. I am just hoping that I don't rot for being selfish. I just really feel like I have lost myself from so many angles and I want me back. Don says that I am how I was when we were first dating and that is kind of confusing. He is so broken right now that I am scared to ask him what he meant. I think it is because I am so cold that I remind him of the me before emotions. I didn't have many that were kind or sympathetic just plain selfish for the most part. I feel so detached from everything right now. I want to feel the passion I felt a couple of weeks ago. I think the stress is finally beating me down. I just need to get settled the situation on the home front and then get to enjoying him and I will be much better. I often wonder if I will get bored or annoyed w/ him like I do with Don. Right now I can hardly stand to look at Don or be around him in anyway other than friendship.
It is very hard to tell someone that you only love them as a friend when they want you to love them more or when they think that they are so in love with you that they will die without you.

Random Thoughts

Feeling physically ill at the minute. I am really tired of being two people. The one the world sees who is happy about things and happy for everyone and the one that stays hidden and cries silently. I did fully realize the phrase "you will be surprised at what you can live through" until lately. I don't know if my heart can take much more breaking. Sometimes I would like to tear from my chest and give it to them to finish off. I really need some time and space to think. My love is peace and when the peace is gone or taken away the hole left is too much to cover. I do not think that there is appreciation for the choice that has to be made. Separation from the kids in exchange for time with him that obviously will not last is a scary prospect. If I leave them for him and he leaves me for his then I lose all around. I believe he decided that I am easiest to lose in his situation and I have a hard time choosing to trade them for this short time with him. I asked him if we will grow apart in November? He didn't answer so I believe it means we will. Don't get me wrong, his reasons for leaving are valid. I just find it heart breaking that I didn't even make the top list of reasons to stay. How do you accept that you are not enough? He told me he considered our situation when he decided to move to his friend's place. He knows it would be awkward to have me over to his friend's house and then he also mentioned that he spoke with his friend about having girls over and how if he did have girls over it would affect the friend's kids. I did not see the question as being relevant if he never intended to invite me over due to the awkwardness of the situation. I am so confused and hurt. Am I to understand that we end when he moves and if so, I am inclined to end it sooner and just remember what was. I do not have it in me to continue hoping that I am his to keep when so many factors work against me and when he won't tell me where I stand in the order of things. I wonder if he would be willing to share tonight. Doubtful but I am going to see anyways. If he was willing then I think I had better get it over with.

Random Thoughts

And it seems like we are back to square one. Why is it that when I say NO people hear maybe? If they work on me a little that I will relax and say maybe. I am confused as to how to say no in the most effective way. I must give off a signal that says I am not confident in saying no so they push for that maybe. Maybe I should say maybe and then it will mean no. I am torn about the answer to my problem. Is it possible for a person to believe in something so much that the ugly truth is not an option or it is not possible that they can believe the reality? Will they keep clinging on to the false reality because they cannot imagine life any other way? How is it possible to feel and firmly believe you are in love with someone yet you do not see that you are verbally destroying them and any self confidence they have because that person has let the abuse slide for so long? Do you become conditioned to believe that because they say nothing at the time that your behavior is acceptable and is the way it should be for all time? I hope that I am not that way. I sincerely hope that I do not mistreat someone that I love. I do not intend to destroy someone that way. The ultimate question is is it considered abuse or destructive to tell someone that you do not love them in the way that you would love your mate? Is it more destructive to live a lie once you have discovered that you are capable of loving someone in that way yet you continue to stay with the person that you love like a friend or family member? What example are you setting for your children? Does living the lie protect them for the time being? Does it teach them to give that part of themselves to someone else even when they are in an unhappy relationship? What happens to their confidence and beliefs when they find out they grew up believing in a lie? I continue to speak of the family moving forward as a family but in my heart I know it won't move forward with me. I feel this tendency to not kick him when I know that he is already hurting. I asked him if he wanted the band aid removed slowly or quickly? All the pain at once or just a little bit at a time. He spoke with me, telling me that he loves me and cannot live without me. If that is the case, then why did he spend eighteen years tearing me down? I stayed because I never dreamed I would find someone else I wanted to be with and be in love with physically and mentally heart and soul. Now that I have lived a lie with him for so long is it not possible for him to see the truth and believe it? He is afraid of the destruction and I understand that because I am afraid of it too. I am afraid of destroying the children and obviously afraid of destroying him because I cannot just cold-bloodedly walk away without looking back. It is not something that I want to go back to it is just that I would like to bear all of their pain. Does it come down to me making the choice to live in my own pain and cause them no pain for right now? Is divorce easier to handle when the children are grown or is it easier now in the formative years? These questions are not easy to answer as no one follows a cookie cutter pattern. Things and happenings mean differently to each individual. Can we be a group of people who are close to and love each other while going our separate ways. Does the happiness of the group mean more than the happiness of each individual? Doesn't individual happiness and satisfaction contribute to the group happiness? I believe it does. If I am not happy then how can I add to the happiness of the group and not lose interest or lose myself. Is this selfish?

Random Thoughts

Well last night I believe sealed the deal. After not coming home until 3 am I think he finally understands. I wish that I could do this without hurting him but it is wrong to expect me to be something I was so long ago. I don't expect it of him so I am hoping he can go on without me. I am scared for the children because they need him so much and I just don't see a way to continue on with him and not destoying him and me. I don't want to live like that any more. I am just wondering if I will regret letting him go. I am not thinking I will miss him in love but that I will regret hurting him because of the children. Kind of a hurtful day for all of us. I am not looking forward to the bitterness that will ensue but I think I will be happier. I am going to seek spiritual guidance on this and hope for the best. I don't want to lose my relationship with God and am hoping there is a way to be happy for everyone.

Random Thoughts

There is so much to say and think about this week that I am overwhelmed by it. All the thoughts actually make my stomach churn like I have just eaten food that is tainted and a violent vomiting session looms on my horizon. I watch people walk in their confusion and struggle with their lives while wondering what more there is for them. Is there strength in their belief system? Life choices and happenings shape what and who they have become. Would they trade the experiences in order to be something different? Guilt is a poison that can consume your soul, justification is the soft flesh of a new formed scar like a bandaid as you battle to right the wrong in your mind. Accepting the consequences of our actions is a forgotten standard that has been replaced by I did it but it is someone else's fault and now I need compensated. So many unanswered questions and unguided lives have created a hopeless society that is destined to fall trying to protect the last right they have while casting away every other freedom. It is like taking the grass is greener concept to such an extreme that we lose sight of the beauty in reality before that final patch.

Random Thoughts

Karin is German....I win. She is a beautiful lady with an active family. I enjoy the people that come into workout. Amazing variation and certainly fun to sharpen my wits. As I watch the concrete man with his saw shaping the crack in the concrete I admire his fore arms and wonder at his hidden tatoo which teases me just out of sight above the cuff of his sleeve. He carefully shapes the crack in the crete for repair while carelessly not using his protective faceshield. I marvel at the flex of his muscles as the saw moves through the hardened concrete like a knife through butter. I want to quiz him regarding concrete repair but my questions would be unwelcome annoyances so I refrain. In the meantime he blocks the entrance to my gym and creates drive offs as my clientele do not wish to use the alternate route in order to get into the gym to workout. The motivation to walk extra steps is not there so they quietly drive off seeking coffee, doughnuts and mundane conversation elsewhere because sweat is not attractive unless it is easily achieved with enjoyment. I often wonder if smoking pot would balance out the intensity of the electromagnetism felt here. It pulls, realigns, and creates tensions a body is not used to. As I speak with others, I question aloud at what brought them to this stage in their lives. Responses are varied but reactions are similar. Pity mixed with reflection on what could have been if only things were different. So I redirect them and ask them to focus on the good they brought to or out of every situation while I analyze if they were brought into my life to answer a question I had or if I am here to help them or if the relationship is symbiotic. I have found so many that have walked a similar path, one that parallels, and one that completes me on so many levels. I have discovered what was lacking and learned to appreciate a side of me so hidden I suspected it had expired a long time ago. I mourned it as a death and tried to pick up the broken pieces reconstructing them with cheap crazy glue that is more effective for gluing my fingers together. Settling for less out of fear has not been good for me. Understanding that I protect people from things that could hurt them has shown me a side of me that is unhealthy for me. I no longer want the burden of protecting them and sacrificing myself. I want to feel without shame, love without limits, give without thinking of the returns painful or joyful and just live what life brings me.

Random Thoughts

First day helping LaVonne out. It is going okay. About ready to step on the bike and ride for about 6 miles. I have a few books that I need to look at while doing so and then there is also some videos to watch for training. Glad it is Friday and am not anxious for the weekend. I have no plans and so it is going to be difficult to get motivated to find something to do. At least we have a little money but not enough to take care of the bills that need paid. Maybe just camping. I was hoping he would have to work on Saturday so I could disappear for the day to visit with my guy. We will see what comes up. Monday will be the best if I don't get to see him before that! I see that he is reluctant to give me information about what he did last night after the movie discussion. I am hoping he found something fun to do for the evening after visiting the girls. I need to get on the machine and ride :)