Random Thoughts

i cannot tell if I am more frustrated with myself or him. I feel sometimes like I don't have any idea who he is. I don't know what he sees in the future for us and he won't share his thoughts. I want to be mean sometimes and just not share anything that is going on with me either. I think that I will just be better if I stay away from the whole thing. So tonite when I got there he opened up facebook and he was on Leni's page. I know that he would trade me for her in a heartbeat if she would look his way and that is fine I guess. I just don't want him to hold on to me just because I am there. He really kind of messed things up with Dave and I am still a little mad about that. He ordered me to not talk with him and when I didn't it hurt Dave's feelings a lot. Now Dave must hate me pretty good becaue he is having to rethink how he is going to handle me coming to see him over there. I bet I don't get an invite and when I do he will have an anxiety attack about the whole thing. This is not my fault I don't feel I did anything wrong. I am very tired of having to treat Dave badly when all he did was care. It is very hard to hurt someone like that. There is no reason we cannot be friends...I don't want anything but friendship from him and I told him that from the beginning. It just feels so weird now. I know that he visualizes himself with other women and I dont' want to be jealous again. I just want space to breathe. I don't like that it is uncomfortable and I am not happy that my life has no real direction. I was lectured by him tonight for me being at the house while Don and the kids are on assistance. I did get good advice by being told to get a hold of CSS and start paying them immediately for child support. He did tell me he missed me like crazy so that was nice to hear. I am just so confused sometimes. I wish he would just say what he thinks. He is so quiet and it is bound to drive me mad. Doesn't sound like Dave is going to forgive me for not talking to him. I guess I just have to wait and see. I really being with him and hope it all works out for the best. When I am bitter I wonder if what the hell I am doing trading my children for him but when honestly sets in I am just trying to remove myself from this unhealthy lifestyle and learn about myself. I am totally into enjoying myself with him like I did a few weeks ago where there is no pressure but it seems like we have to go through lots of stress in order to get there again. Just so much left unanswered and I am so worried about Don hunting him down. I am starting to get confused about my emotions. I really need a breathing space so I can see who I miss the most and go from there. I am just hoping that I don't rot for being selfish. I just really feel like I have lost myself from so many angles and I want me back. Don says that I am how I was when we were first dating and that is kind of confusing. He is so broken right now that I am scared to ask him what he meant. I think it is because I am so cold that I remind him of the me before emotions. I didn't have many that were kind or sympathetic just plain selfish for the most part. I feel so detached from everything right now. I want to feel the passion I felt a couple of weeks ago. I think the stress is finally beating me down. I just need to get settled the situation on the home front and then get to enjoying him and I will be much better. I often wonder if I will get bored or annoyed w/ him like I do with Don. Right now I can hardly stand to look at Don or be around him in anyway other than friendship.
It is very hard to tell someone that you only love them as a friend when they want you to love them more or when they think that they are so in love with you that they will die without you.